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COMICS
Half Time
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas
and says, ‘Seven Points.’
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man
replied, ‘It’s fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m
ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie
score.’ Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14.’
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he
strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, ‘What
the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.”
All about Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
‘Dr. Jones, at your cervix.’
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In a Podiatrist’s office:
‘Time wounds all heels.’
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist’s door:
‘To expedite your visit, please back
in.’
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On a Plumber’s truck:
‘We repair what your husband fixed.’
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On another Plumber’s truck:
‘Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.’
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On a Church’s Bill board:
‘7 days without God makes one weak.’
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee?:
‘Invite us to your next blowout.’
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At a Towing company:
‘We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.’
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On an Electrician’s truck:
‘Let us remove your shorts.’
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
‘If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.’
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On a Maternity Room door:
‘Push. Push. Push.’
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At an Optometrist’s Office:
‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’
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On a Taxidermist’s window:
‘We really know our stuff.’
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On a Fence:
‘Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!’
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At a Car Dealership:
‘The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.’
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
‘No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.’
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In a Veterinarian’s waiting
room:
‘Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!’
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At the Electric Company
‘We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.’
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In a Restaurant window:
‘Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.’
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
‘Drive carefully. We’ll wait.’
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At a Propane Filling
Station:
‘Thank heaven for little grills.’
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And don’t forget the sign at a
CHICAGO
RADIATOR SHOP:
‘Best place in town to take a leak.’
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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
‘Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises’??
How it’s done:
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in
D.C., one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They
go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then
works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run
about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I
can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit
for me.”
The New Jersey contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says,
“You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a
high figure?” The New Jersey contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000
for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
New US Government Seal Official Announcement:
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi today announced that the Democrats will
change the country's emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more
accurately reflects the new government's political stance. A condom allows for
inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of
pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn...It just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama : Hell Yes, We Have Electricity, Alaska : 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be
Wrong!, Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat !!!... ,
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything . . .
more
How To Impress a Woman:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her.
Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her.
Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with
her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again
for her.
How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.
ANDY ROONEY URBAN
LEGEND ENDS HERE 02/15/05
The article of
Andy Rooney Quips
below is, as it turns out, one of those urban legends out there on the
internet. I happily stand corrected, and the article has been
changed to protect the innocent.
AN OLD MAN
was sitting on
a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He
had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was
staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old
timer, never done anything wild in your life?
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with
a peacock.
I was just wondering
if you were my son."
MATHEMATICS OF LIFE
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man
+ dumb woman = affair Dumb man
+ smart woman = marriage Dumb man
+ dumb woman = pregnancy
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SENIORS UPPER BODY WORKOUT
This is for older people!!! Younger people try it at their own risk.
This is working well for me.
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THE HONEYMOON, PAR FOR THE COURSE
A couple was on their
honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when
the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a
virgin."
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE
There is the story of a
pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have
good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for
our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your
pockets."
more
PONDER THIS
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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ANDY ROONEY QUIPS
NOT
"I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I
believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental
stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for
squirting out babies.
more
CHRISTMAS
ALERT
The Supreme Court has
ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in
Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious
constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise
men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was, however, no
problem finding enough asses to fill the stable
BUMPER STICKERS
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors
had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
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HOW TO STAY FIT
Every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your
life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at $5000 per month.
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
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The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
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I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't
lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
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I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures
out what I'm doing.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
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And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice
jump right out of my glass.
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream
of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will
scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
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THE MOVE TO FLORIDA
April 30th:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state
that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was
beautiful. I've finally found my home.
I love it here.
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STATE FAIR MATING BULL EXHIBIT
I took my wife to the State
Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. We came up to the first
pen and there is a sign that says, "This Bull mated 50 times last year." She
pokes me in the ribs and says, "He mated 50 times last year."
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MOTHER'S WISDOM
A lot of this I've heard before.
;) See if it isn't a little familiar to you. You'll get a
good laugh.
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MURPHY'S LAW & MEN
From a woman's point of view, this comical side of Murphy's Law.
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